Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dating/Marriage

Ahh, dating. It's definitely something us young'uns can relate to. Marriage...maybe not so much. This is probably the most variant topic I've covered so far, and it may continue to be until I do the Family topic. Let's get on with it! :)

Dating & Marriage

Alright, now I definitely learned a lot about some cultures with this one. I also learned that maybe I'm more familiar with Caucasian-American culture than I thought. That's a good thing. ;)

Caucasian-American

One word: lenient. Okay, okay, maybe that's too strong of a word. Of all the cultures I've looked into, though, this is the most hands-off one. This is especially notable in the "recently immigrated from Europe" subgroup. I'm going to combine all the regional ones this time, however.

1. Let's say that you're living under your parents' roof, and you've met someone you really want to date. Do you have to ask your parents' permission?

Okay, now this one definitely varied by region. My Southern respondents had to ask permission - most of them, anyway - (how sweet!) while the Northern and "Recently Immigrated from Europe" outright refused. One even claimed that she had
control over her parents' knowledge of these affairs: "I refuse to let my parents have a say in that kind of thing." Woooow...what luxury! (This is me being biased, naturally)

2. Same premise, except this time, do you have to ask your potential boyfriend/girlfriend's PARENTS if you can date their son/daughter? Does your potential boyfriend/girlfriend have to ask for your parents' permission?

I put this one in here for the sake of being fair to both sexes. No one had to ask permission, not even the gentlemen! One said, "...we're all adults now. Parents don't dictate their children's love lives, they never really did..." Now
that is definitely a culturally variant issue. I'll elaborate later.

3. When you go/went on dates, do/did you have a chaperone?

Two respondents admitted that they had to have chaperones. I was expecting this to be a zero, actually. Interesting. ;)

4. Would cohabitation before marriage even be an option for you and your partner? (Well, without your parents/other family members exploding from rage).

Hmm...this was a bit of a split. The recently immigrated respondents were like, "well, if we felt like it, of course." Some Southern respondents said it was a definite no, while the other Southern respondents and most of the Northern ones said they would only if they were engaged (or long-term). Only the European respondents were gung-ho about it all; the others were pretty skeptical.

5. You and your partner have just eaten a lovely dinner. Who pays for it? Or who had to cook it?

This one was somewhat mixed. A few like to switch off, but mostly it's the guy who will pay and the girl who'll cook. Some said they'd like to cook with their partner instead, which I think is sweet!

6. Does your ideal partner have to get along with your family (your parents, specifically)?

This one was almost a unanimous "yes," with my European immigrants as the only "no"s. Overall, though, the main requirement is respect. I can definitely agree with that!

7. As a teenager, did you have a dating age restriction? (For example, some parents don't allow their daughters to date until 16.)

Most of my respondents DID have a dating age restriction - well, the girls, anyway. 15-16 year-old was the average age requirement. Guys didn't have an issue, and that's pretty consistent in other cultures, too. Boo!

8. Is there a limit to how far apart in age you are from your partner?

As long as it's legal, or below 18 with only a 5 year difference, all is well. That was unanimous!

9. Is there a certain age (or range) in which your family expect you to be married?

Nope, not a one. Well, my male participants felt a little from their mothers, ("I want to see my grandbabies before I
die!") but it wasn't strong enough to force them into anything. This is a good thing. :)

10. Let's say you and your partner are getting married. Do the two of you (and your families) only pay for certain things, or is it an even split?

Oh, wow. I've heard different things for this. One way, the wife's family pays for the wedding, and the husband's family pays for the honeymoon. Unless the wedding is super-cheap or the honeymoon is AMAZING, that's kind of a rip-off. ;) In other situations, the wife's family pays for the wedding, and the husband's family pays for the rehearsal. I hadn't heard that before. Interesting! Only a few respondents split the cost evenly, with one just eloping. Huh. I wonder if eloping is common in the U.S.! I hadn't looked into it.

11. Is divorce an option for you (without being shunned by the family)?

A few respondents were against divorce, be it from their family's opinions or their own. Others said it was something they'd rather avoid, but they would go through with it if it came down to that. My friendly European immigrant respondents said that divorce was a "perfectly viable option."

Mexican-American

Compared to the previous one, this one will seem pretty strict! Take a look. :)

1. Let's say that you're living under your parents' roof, and you've met someone you really want to date. Do you have to ask your parents' permission?

Definitely! This doesn't really apply to me anymore, but Mexican parents are VERY strict. You want to date that cute guy? You're going to have to go through me first. I hope you've talked about him several times before, been his friend for a while, or that he has a good social reputation. If not, it's a definite no. And you can't ask twice!

This doesn't apply quite the same for boys, however. They don't have to ask permission, but they do have to bring the girl around the house. If the mom doesn't approve, then good luck with that.

2. Same premise, except this time, do you have to ask your potential boyfriend/girlfriend's PARENTS if you can date their son/daughter? Does your potential boyfriend/girlfriend have to ask for your parents' permission?


In Mexican families, the potential boyfriend MUST ask the girl's parents for permission to date their daughter. My current boyfriend got interrogated for six hours before he got permission back when I was a teen. He came in with flowers for my mom and cookies for my dad. What a trooper! The boy before him asked my father all casually, and my dad gave him a blunt, "no." Looking back, it's kind of funny. ;)

3. When you go/went on dates, do/did you have a chaperone?

This one could definitely vary. Back in Mexico, you need a chaperone. It could be your younger sibling or neighborhood kids, but no way are you and your partner going anywhere alone. Fortunately, my parents Americanized their stance on this, and I never had a chaperone. Phew! Other kids of Mexican immigrants might not be so lucky.

4. Would cohabitation before marriage even be an option for you and your partner? (Well, without your parents/other family members exploding from rage).

This is definitely not an option, even if you're engaged or really long-term. It's sinful and all that happy stuff. My parents agree, and I'm neutral.

5. You and your partner have just eaten a lovely dinner. Who pays for it? Or who had to cook it?

Well, in Mexico, you eat in the vast majority of nights. Only the lady cooks. When you two go out to a restaurant--or, more often, a food stand--the guy always pays. Here in the U.S., a Mexican couple would follow this trend, more than likely. The man pays when you go out, and the lady takes care of the cooking. There's no "splitting" the bill or helping with the cooking. This doesn't reflect my own beliefs, but I guess I've been a bit Americanzed.

6. Does your ideal partner have to get along with your family?


Yes, absolutely. They don't have to be best friends, but the parents must adore the boyfriend/girlfriend. Boyfriends/girlfriends are pretty much part of the family right away, so this approval comes with plenty of good things (free food, free favors, lots of gifts, etc). I remember my brother's girlfriend once calling my dad and saying that her car was broken down. My dad went out and fixed it right there on the spot! That's what it's about.

7. As a teenager, do/did you have a dating age restriction? (For example, some parents don't allow their daughters to date until 16.)

In Mexico, dating happens at a really young age. Some of my little cousins already have long-term relationships at 14 years old. My parents started dating at 12 and 14. In the U.S., it really depends on the parents and the reason why you immigrated. If the family immigrated for work/money, then it's okay to date and get married at a young age. If the family immigrated for school, you'd better concentrate on school and be the very best. Dating and marriage can always wait.

8. Is there a limit to how far apart in age you are from your partner?

I wouldn't say so, no. My uncle is 48, and his wife is 26. My maternal grandparents were 11 years apart. Older men, younger women and vice versa, all is good. It's still much more common for the men to be older, though.

9. Is there a certain age (or range) in which your family expect you to be married?

If I was still in Mexico, I'd be expired goods, haha. If you have the money, you go to university, graduate, then get married. Graduation age is around 21. If you don't have the money, you get married between 16-19. Parents expect grandkids pretty quickly - lots and lots of grandkids. But, hey, they'll help out a lot!

10. Let's say you and your partner are getting married. Do the two of you (and your families) only pay for certain things, or is it an even split?

In Mexico, it's an even split for the wedding, usually. Honeymoons are rare, but they're more common nowadays than they were a generation or two ago. It's an effort of the families as a whole, too. "Hey, I know a guy that has horses. If I paint something for him, he'll let me borrow horses for you and your wife to ride in on." It's a collectivistic culture, after all. I think it's sweet. =)

11. Is divorce an option for you? Is it acceptable in your family?


It's definitely not acceptable in the Mexican culture. In extreme circumstances such as domestic violence and adultery, it may be acceptable, but even still some families don't agree with it. It's kind of sad. Contemporary Mexico, however, is beginning to divorce much more often than before. I imagine Mexico is becoming more Westernized in that sense. It's interesting to see cultures change over time!

Asian-American

Since I didn't get to personally interview anyone, this won't be written as the above section. All of this is from previous research that I've read up on - based on India's dating/marriage ideals. Very interesting stuff, I assure you! And quite the contrast from Caucasian-American ideals. ;)

Many of the above questions would be repetitive for potential Indian-American respondents. Why's that? It's because the parents of both bride and groom are the ones who control the union. Dating? No such thing. Mates are found through personal ads in local newspapers. Look, here's a clipping that I've written out:

Brahmin parents seeking alliance from Hindu, never-married, accomplished professional, 28-34, for their fair and attractive daughter 27/5'3"/115lbs. Respond with biodata and recent photo.

Obviously, this process can't quite be equaled within the U.S. However, children of Indian immigrants may have to go through their parents in order to be married; at the very least, their prospective spouse must be approved by the family. Respect alone doesn't quite cut it.

From personal experience, I can say that it's hard to get others to understand how much control parents can have over their children's lives. In cultures like these, parents can control everything from birth until death, especially considering that divorce is absolutely forbidden. Imagine the struggles of these kids! They're American, but they don't have the same freedom of choice as their Caucasian-American counterparts,

Now, before passing judgment on this system, remember that this is deeply engrained into the culture. Marriage isn't seen as love and unicorns and butterflies - it's convenient . Why do they get married? According to Cross-Cultural Psychology research, Indians get married (and stay married) to/for...


1. Produce children
2. Provide a stable environment for children
3. Economic stability
4. Spiritual growth
5. Social status
6. Love and companionship (with an emphasis on companionship. Less love and more being friends)
7. Convenience

Chinese-American, Korean-American, and Japanese-American immigrants would be somewhat similar to this. However, there's such a high variance among these groups as to their level of Americanization. Marrying outside of their race, however, is a big issue among the traditionalist families - one that other Asian-Americans tend to share.

Overall...

Dating/Marriage ideals vary based on culture, naturally. It may be more generalizable than I've stated, though. Individualistic cultures (US, UK, Australia) and collectivistic cultures (Mexico, China, Iran) view dating/marriage differently enough from one another that broad research may be conducted.

Western/Individualistic viewpoints on marriage:
-free choice based on mutual love and affection
-individual choice
-union between two individuals

Non-Western/collectivistic viewpoints on marriage:
-union between two families, clans, tribes, etc.
-Family's needs, wishes, and interests are important in decisions.
-Friendship and caring for one another may be more important than attraction and mutual love in a marriage.

For more information, go to the Kennesaw State University web site, click on the Library link, and head to electronic journals. PsycINFO is a great place to look for Psych articles. There are journals specifically for studies based in cross-cultural examinations like these. Fascinating! ;)

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Whew, that was long! So, what did you guys think? Interesting? Just take it all with a grain of salt. We're all living and breathing people, and we're very similar as a whole. Culture can make great differences, though, and it's interesting to see how I might think one day and you might think another. It's something to understand and appreciate, I think. =)

Next is the entry on FOOD! Expect pictures - yummy, yummy pictures.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's interesting! This whole blog idea is pretty genius, Bianka! I can tell you're a psych major since you're interested in how all these cultures differ and can relate! I'm intrigued. and excited about the food entry!

    ReplyDelete